back the train up

On Wednesday we had a guy come out and look at our shingles. Our brand new shingles are buckling on our garage. In the end he said we need to empty out the attic and spray insulation in there before winter.

Oh my goodness. The attic is where I store EVERYTHING. And now I have to find new homes for all of it. I can't use that space anymore! And if you have been in my house you know we only have one closet in the entire home. And the basement doesn't have proper stairs for fitting bins up and down the steps. I could store things in the barn, but it's not convenient and it is also so dusty.

So it will all be heading to the garage. Or at least half of it will be. My goal is to get rid of half of it before then.

But here is how this is going so far. I call this a 'Back the Train Up' Project. Do you know these kinds? The kind of project that in order to do the actual project at hand (empty the attic) there are nine other projects that really should get done so that this project is done well. Like the garage needs to be cleaned out and purged a bit, making room for the stuff that has to fit in there. And the upstairs closet needs an overhaul to make more room for the things I want to store in there.

Here's my nightmare: Rory just starts taking bins out of the attic, pell mell, with no real plan for where they should end up. And then, the kids, being helpful and fun, begin to unpack the bins and discover favorite items stored away, and by the end of the day the contents of the entire attic are strewn all over my house.

I've lived my life long enough to know this scenario is more probable than my own orderly game plan.

So I have begun my work in haste. I'm sort of excited because I do love getting rid of stuff and this is the ultimate in forced minimalism. But I'm also sort of in disbelief because there is so much stuff that needs to find new homes...

Wish me well!

The birth story of Elias

So the real start to this birth story definitely began that Monday before when we thought FOR SURE we were going to have our baby that day. I wrote about that part here and here.

And then we waited all week long, and it was a long week. The kids were great and patient, but Rory and I were so ready to meet this baby. We just kept making up stuff to do. All. week. long.

But then Friday night I started having contractions. And they hurt enough to call them legit contractions. I didn't wake Rory but I kept wondering if I should call my mom to start driving in case things went quickly. But they were always 10-15 minutes a part, so I knew we weren't actually that close. I made it to seven in the morning before I called her and we decided she would come about 9 or 10 to get the kids.

Unfortunately, when the kids were finally packed up and Mom arrived, things had slowed waaay down. Everyone left and I went up to bed. I had been up much of the night and needed to sleep.

I woke up about 11:30 and put my tennis shoes on to go and walk our road. Oh I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe the contractions had stopped entirely. I walked down to the end of our road and turned around. Rory met up with me one driveway down from our own and asked what I wanted to do. And I spit out angrily, "I want to go Tacoasis."

Which is hilarious. And unwise. You really shouldn't eat chimichanga's before you go into labor. But I didn't care. I was mad.

So we drove the truck to Tacoasis. And ate a chimichanga at our favorite outdoor table and I got a pepsi which felt special. And then Rory said we should go get ice cream cones and walk around our downtown. In the end it turned into a lovely afternoon. We ran into friends and I got a Mackinac Island Fudge icecream cone that was fantastic. We walked into nearly every shop and we spent an hour in the bookstore looking at board games.

The only trouble with this dreamy Saturday is that I couldn't really relax because I was worried about our kids. I had already had my folks watch them all of Monday. And if I wasn't actually in labor, it felt ridiculous to have my folks have them again, knowing that they would be with them after the baby came as well. But it was hard to know if we should go get them and bring them back. Because it also felt like maybe things would progress...

So we went to a movie and saw the new version of The Lion King. Which we loved, by the way. It's too intense for little kids, but it was the perfect movie for us that day. And lo and behold, my contractions started up again with some regularity. Mostly ten minutes apart. I would grip the arms of the chair, Rory would look at my face to see if he should record this one on his phone and I'd breath through it while hearing Hakuna Matata. Then the contraction would end and I'd whisper, "pass me the dots." or "are there any reeces pieces left?" And I'd inhale the candy until the next contraction.

I should also mention that I cried many, many times during The Lion King. To have a baby on the way while listening to Circle of Life was one thing. But that movie is packed full of Messianic themes and I could hardly stop crying at the end. I highly recommend it.

After the movie we brought books we were reading to a favorite park by a pond. We sat on a bench reading for an hour and everything slowed down again. But this was a magical moment. It was positively stunning outside, not a bug, and the sun was setting. The temperature was perfect and we were looking out over the prettiest scene. Plus, we both were reading books we loved. I was reading Read Aloud Revival and Rory was reading a Wendell Berry book of essays. It was dreamy.

We were going to get hoagies for supper, but decided to go to Aldi instead. I grabbed all sorts of food that looked good to me: corn on the cob, stuff for caprese salad, hummus, salami and on the way home we decided we should go home and make pickles to go with this feast.

But in a crazy twist, by the time we got home, none of that good food looked or sounded good to me. And I went upstairs to lay in bed while Rory stuck to the plan and got cucumbers from the garden for the pickles. And soon after my contractions began again and this time they were intense and terribly uncomfortable. It was at this moment that I remembered that having a baby is seriously painful. I called Rory on my cell phone every time a contraction began and he would tell me how long it had been since the start of my last contraction, along with where he was in the pickling process.

We kept this up for about 40 minutes when I told him he had better come and pack everything up. We had some stuff packed, but not our toiletries and chargers...

It was dark when we got in the car (we had swapped our mini van with the kids for my parent's car that could hold the infant car seat in the back for the ride home) and the stars were out. The moon was rising and it was a glorious night. We drove to the hospital on our country roads and Rory kept complaining that all the screens were so bright he was having trouble seeing the dark road. He kept asking me to try to figure out how to dim the dash screens. I barked at him that, "I don't care about dash screens! I am in a really bad mood when I'm having a contraction!!!" And then I'd try to figure out how to dim the screens again, until the next contraction. But it did help pass the time on the way to the hospital...

We got to the Emergency entrance (because it was Saturday night) and our nurse came and met us at the door to walk us to the Birthing Floor. She had blue hair and was super young. Soon after she was trying to get my IV in my hand and tried four times with a considerable amount of digging around, trying to hit the vein. In the end she went to find her charge nurse to see if she could get it in. That nurse tried the other hand and got it right away. And then the anesthesiologist came for my epidural and I felt so much uncertainty if I should get it or not. Things were happening naturally this time. Maybe I didn't need it. But I really, really wanted it at that point. It was midnight and I was remembering how awful the awful moments can be.

So I got the epidural, and then my skin began to itch. All over. It was bad. But bearable. And I couldn't feel the contractions anymore, which was as incredible as ever. But then I started to feel almost drugged in the head and my arms felt immobile, so I asked them to turn the epidural waaaay down. So the epidural was a very low dose, but I liked it much better. I still felt the contractions, just not the pain.

Rory got our music set up and began to play Resurrection Letters by Andrew Peterson. I swear the atmosphere in the room changed from fear to rest. All the anxiety and nerves and unsettled feelings I had went away and I felt calm and ready again. Of course the epidural helped with all of that, but I felt such a peace wash over me that I know it was spiritual too.

My nurse put one leg up on the peanut ball, trying to get the baby to turn the right way (I was having back pain with each contraction that was so bad they wondered if the baby was sunnyside up...) and then we basically tried to sleep while things progressed. When I arrived at the hospital I was at a 4. So we still had some ground to gain.

Rory got his itty bitty chair bed set up (bed is too generous of a word!) and he got horizontal too. We slept off and on until the nurses switched at 7 am. The new nurse came in and checked me and exclaimed, "oh wow! You're at a nine and a half. It's time!" She called the doctor and at 7:50 it was time to start pushing.

I pushed and pushed for an hour. The contractions were five and six minutes a part at the beginning, so we had a lot of awkward time to kill in between pushes. Which Rory loves to tell people about. Because apparently I just told stories between each round of pushing. I was telling them about my other births and funny things about my kids and what they're excited for with this baby. And we were still trying to land on a middle name if this baby was a girl. So all the while Rory was throwing names at me, thumbing through his Bible, trying to find a great middle name. It was a busy hour of pushing and conversation.

Finally we got to the very last pushes. I pushed hard four times in a row and knew I couldn't stop there. Baby's head was right there and I was in so much pain. On the video I say over and over and over, "ow! Ow! ow! ow!" It dawned on me how close I was to meeting this little baby and I tucked my head and pushed with all my might. The head came and then I had to push again. And then the body came, a bit slower than my other babies. The cord had been wrapped around baby's neck, they would later tell me, and that was why the whole pushing phase took so long. We praise God baby was okay through all of this.

Rory cried with tears and joy, "It's a boy!!!" And that boy was put up on my chest and I cried that joyful cry that comes so gladly with so much relief and so much happiness. A boy! I laughed and cried and started talking to my son, "Oh honey, you have been working so hard. I know you have. Oh Elias, you are here. I am your mama and I love you so, so much." And Elias cried and cried. We all did.

At that moment, the song "Is He Worthy" was playing. Oh I wanted to weep I felt so overjoyed.

There is a lot that happens in that hour after a baby is born, but somehow just an hour later, we were facetiming with our kids and my folks and introducing them to Elias. Then we called Rory's parents. My sister's family called us to hear the news too. Rory texted our pastor with some pictures and then at 11, we decided to tune into our own church service to catch the end of the sermon. After the sermon, they showed the pictures of me and Elias and announced that we had our baby and the church erupted in cheers and applause and it was so fun because we were watching!

And then my first round of French Toast arrived and around 1:00 our kids came in to meet their littlest brother. It was a ruckus, as you can imagine, and Alden was in desperate need of a nap. But my favorite moment came at the very end when Ivar stayed back so it was just him and I and Elias in the room. He said, "Mom. When you called and were about to tell us if it was a brother or sister, I told myself "it's a sister" so that my face would be happy when you said it was a girl. But then you said it was a boy! And I just couldn't believe it! I wanted it to be a boy!!! I had always thought it would be a boy." And then we talked about what fun it will be for him to have two little brothers that will always want to tag along with him.

Now it was time for him to go but he stopped in the doorway and said, "Mom. I really miss you." And my heart wanted to explode. We talked about the plan for the next two days and how good it would be to have our whole family back together at home with baby Elias. I could not wait to get everyone back under our roof again.

After their visit, Rory's folks and his brother Kyle came by and we had such a fun visit. I just remember a lot of laughter. The whole day was so joyful.

They left, and soon enough it was time to order more French Toast.

Smiling Elias

One week ago tonight we were waiting for labor to progress and still so uncertain that things would pick up that we decided to make pickles. Which will forever be a memory of this birth story now. At 8:00 my contractions suddenly became regular and intense. Rory was working fast in the kitchen trying to get the pickles done while I was realizing that things were really getting started now. I was upstairs in bed and would call him on my phone at the beginning of each contraction, "Starting," I'd grunt. "Ok, honey! That's six minutes from the last one! And I'm almost done with these pickles!"

I remember having a sense of humor about the whole thing even in the moment and by 9:00 we both knew it was time to load up for the hospital. And thankfully the pickles were done.

Anyways, it seems Elias has our same good sense of humor. His default face is a grin. It's a riot. He hears my voice and his cheeks turn up. He smiles and grins all during his sleep. He is a happy baby and for that I am so glad.

This first week has me pretty sleep deprived and remembering just how much you are up at night with a newborn. But with this little boy grinning at me, I can't complain. Newborns are so sweet and I know very well that this season goes so fast.

It's a boy!

Introducing Elias Anton Groves. He decided to come on his own (no pitocin! my first baby that didn't need pitocin!) and was born on Sunday morning at 8:50. I had contractions off and on starting at midnight on Friday and irregularly all throughout Saturday. And then Saturday night it all kicked in and we checked into the hospital about 10:00.

I have so many thoughts.

First, newborns are so wonderful. I mean, so, so wonderful. Elias is darling and snuggly and squeaks a lot. We landed on his name just on Monday morning. We had been stumped for 9 months trying to come up with a name. My great uncle's name was Ellis, and that was in the running. Ivar like Elliot and Emmit was discussed. We thought about Elijah and then finally when Rory said, while brushing his teeth, 'how about Elias?' I felt my heart swell and knew we had finally landed on his name. We will likely call him Eli, but for now I am trying to use Elias, mostly so I remember it! It's that new of a name, and he's not named after anyone, so I have to go through my own foggy memory to remember...Elias. I have time though. Mostly we call him "Alden...I mean, Elias" and likely will the rest of his life. :)

And Rory's great grandfather was named Anton. And his grandpa's middle name was Anton.

We had a great stay at the hospital and were the only patients on the birthing floor the whole 36 hours we were there! The nurses that delivered Elias were the same two who delivered Alden two years ago and we all remembered each other. I ordered french toast four times after delivery, as well as three different omelets and bacon every time with everything. The hospital food service people kept saying to me, "it's just so nice to find someone who likes hospital food. we'll be sure to tell the workers in the kitchen."

My folks brought the kids on Sunday after they had all been to church. We facetimed the kids before their church service at Shepherd of the Valley so we could tell them that we had a boy. And then they came right to the hospital after service and lunch at McDonalds. Alden usually naps at 10 or 11, so when he arrived at 1, he was a disaster. Oh it was so funny to me. Poor boy. He just wanted to push every button on my bed, and say no, and cry and and cry some more. He was a wreck when Rory brought him out to the car and I don't know if he ever recovered. Well, more accurately, I don't know if my dad will ever recover! Ha! He looked pretty worn down himself!

And now we're back home, just the three of us. We just woke up from a good nap in our own bed which was wonderful. Rory said, "sure beats the school bus cushions I slept on the last two nights." The kids will come back from Mimi and Papa's tomorrow, and then life will pick right back up, I'd imagine. But we're ready for it.

So those are my scattered thoughts at the moment. I still want to write out the birth story and another thought before the kids come back. I just have this feeling if I don't get this stuff out now, it may be a while! We're going to have corn on the cob and tomatoes and mozerella for dinner now and then I'll go take a bath in my super clean tub. So glad I super-cleaned it! And then we'll try sleeping for a few hours at a time all night long, working on a good latch, trying to get a good burp. I feel seasoned at this newborn thing, and yet it is amazing how awkward it can all feel at the same time. I changed him into an outfit before we left the hospital and he flailed all around. It felt like I was getting my sea legs back. So that's what we'll do this week. Elias and I will work as a team, finding our rhythm. And the fab four will come back and we'll transform into a family of seven as we find our footing.

My heart is positively overflowing.

life and death

This morning we got the heartbreaking news that our dear friend Avis passed away early this morning. Avis goes to our church and she and her husband Fred, sit right behind us every Sunday. Some people are occasional attenders, but Fred and Avis are there Every Single Sunday. This past March Avis invited me to her 74th birthday party, a sweet breakfast with four of her best friends and me. I felt so honored to be there.

Just two weeks ago they got the news that Avis had stage 4 cancer. And it went that quickly.

It is sobering because in this season of waiting for the baby, I am once again amazed at how little control we have over birth and death. These are the two most mysterious of all events in a person's life, and in a world where we feel like we can control most things in between those two moments, it is always a shock to the system to realize how little control we actually do have. I think God uses birth and death to help us not forget that he is the giver of earthly life, the giver of eternal life and that he holds all time in his hands.

So birth and death. We don't have much say. But we trust the one who made us, the one who holds all time in his hands, the one who has formed this baby in my womb, the one who is holding Avis now, and the one who is most tenderly holding dear Fred.

still waiting...the beginning of a birth story

I was having some symptoms over the weekend so that when I called my doctor on Monday morning, her nurse wanted me to go to the Birthing Center immediately. We called Grandma and got the kids situated. Then Rory and I packed our suitcases and drove to the hospital.

They put me in a hospital gown, hooked me up to a monitor to hear the baby's heartbeat, took all my vitals and I got right to work looking through the cafeteria menu. This is always a highlight for me when giving birth. After the baby comes I eat off the breakfast menu for every meal until we go home: omelets, oatmeal, hash browns, bacon, sausage, orange juice and french toast. Over and over and over. I've been looking forward to this part of giving birth ever since getting pregnant again. I wanted to call in my order for oatmeal, but Rory insisted that we wait and make sure we're actually staying before calling room service.

So they checked to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. The test took a half an hour and I just kept feeling these swells of excitement to meet this baby. It was the exact enthusiasm I felt as a little girl looking forward to my birthday or to Christmas. I just was so, so excited. I knew that if it was amniotic, they would want to get things going immediately and I would be meeting this baby within hours.

You might remember in Elsie's birth story that I went to my 40 week appointment and told them, "Pregnancy is so weird. I just keep slowly peeing my pants..." And they rushed me to the hospital after testing that my water had actually broken.

So here I was, same boat, different kid. The nurse finally came back and said, "well, it's not amniotic fluid. you can go home."

And I laughed so hard, "oh my word. does this mean the baby is just on my bladder?" And she nodded.

I got dressed and Rory and I took what he later called The Walk of Shame. Four nurses all popped their heads over their computers to see the woman here to deliver her 5th baby, who came in because she'd just peed her pants. Oh dear.

Not coincidentally, we now both had a hankerin' for a big breakfast. We drove around for nearly an hour, every single diner closed once we got there, or had stopped serving breakfast. Finally we ended up at Perkins and I decided that I will now switch from Whole 30 to a new eating program called Whole Waiting, where I can make any food choice I want while waiting for baby. So we shared a mammoth muffin to begin our meal of omelets and eggs benedict and hash browns, and split the pancakes. All of it was so good.

Then we went home to nap for an hour so I could sleep off all that gluten.

We went to our doctor appointment later that afternoon, and she said we could induce Sunday night if things didn't begin before then. Rory and I left and went to walk around a nearby nature center for a few hours. It was a dreamy afternoon and full of really great conversation. Then we went to the grocery store to defeatedly stock up on meals for the week. My folks were ready to bring our kids back, but I asked if they could stay until after dinner. I just needed the whole day off. And I wanted my house to stay tidy for just another hour or two.

And now today we spent the day in a haze. All the excitement of yesterday wore off. I slept a lot. Hattie and I ran errands for a while and ended up at Culver's sharing another scoopie of peanut butter cup custard. I swung by my good friend Allyson's house who loaded me up with home cooked meals including a loaf of bluberry lemon bread.

Tonight Rory took the recycling bag out and told me he had it lifted over the chicken fence before he realized he was about to dump it into the chicken yard instead of the recycling bin. And that sort of sums us up right now.

What is strange is that we have been here before. We absolutely should be used to this and know how to handle these extra days. But it seems it doesn't work that way.

Birth and Death...it always amazes me how we truly have no control over the timing of both. There is a good kind of surrender that simply has to happen, knowing and trusting that God holds all time in his hands. And I trust him.

I just may eat a lot of ice cream and blueberry lemon loaf in the meantime...

you were made for this

I texted a bit this weekend with my friend Shannon. I don't know if I have ever written out my favorite story with Shannon on this blog...but I was with her when her water broke quite dramatically before her second child was born. That story is in my top three stories of all time, which is saying something, because I have a lot of stories (other two: Story City and the Water Skiing Story). If I have time today I'll look to see if I have already written my Shannon Story, or maybe I'll just write it out again because it's as good as it gets.

Anyway, Shannon is a supporter of mothers, of birth, of making sure women feel empowered and strong during pregnancy and postpartum. She has a studio on California that offers all sorts of classes and workshops and seminars that basically surround the new mama with resources and support and friendship.

So it is not a real surprise that the words I think about most often while in the throws of labor are Shannon's words to me, spoken before I had Ivar. She had two kids already and knew all that was ahead of me. When I was concerned about the pain of labor she said to me, "Becca, you are a strong Scandinavian woman built for giving birth."

Those encouraging words always come to mind while gripping some hallway railing, trying to breath through intensifying contractions. At the moments when I wonder if I will really survive this pain, I begin to remember that I am a strong woman, built for giving birth.

So that's what is ahead! I have a doctor's appointment today and I have a feeling they are going to want to get things started. So prayers would be so appreciated. Especially for the moments when I'm white-knuckle gripping the hallway railing! This isn't my first rodeo, and I am fully aware of what comes next... But I'm also aware that after that part, I HAVE A BABY!!!!

And I do want to just say this: I LOVE being pregnant. And I am going to miss this feeling. I love carrying a life in my womb. I love that I get the honor of feeling baby move and sway and kick and dance inside of me. The miracle of it all is not lost on me for a moment.

In an odd twist, this pregnancy has been my very best. I have felt healthy and strong and able the whole time, right up to the end. Take that Geriatric Pregnancy Pamphlet that told me all the things to worry and fear! I felt better at age 38 than I did at 30! And I don't take that for granted either. I know every pregnancy is different for every woman, but what a joy to have this one to leave me feeling so good and grateful.

So I'm off. I got up at 4:30 this morning and got a few more things situated. You'll be happy to know the inside of my microwave looks brand new. I do believe that means it is time to go and have a baby.

the good fruit app

I have this app idea called Good Fruit. I think about this app nearly every week. It's just a hub on your phone where you can report what fruit is awesome at what store and location on that day.

For example, last week I got peaches at Aldi and they were the best ever. Perfect in every way. I would have logged on and reported "The peaches called "Hollywood" that I purchased on Saturday August 3rd were exceptional. I got them at the Aldi with this zip code." And then if someone was at Aldi later that week, they can get the peaches too and leave their own comment. Because the kicker is that this week I bought the same peaches and now they're mealy and not worth it. I would quickly log on, enter the fruit, brand, date and description and tell others to forgo to the peaches.

That all sounds way more complicated than this nifty little app would be. It would be simple and fast. And it would mean you would know if the green grapes are good and firm or soft and lame.

I'd love to see this one available. I'd drive to a special grocery store if I knew the cherries there were fantastic and affordable.

Anyways, these are the things I am thinking about these days. Still no baby as of Saturday night, still no real contractions. But my official due date isn't until tomorrow, so I can't actually complain yet. It's just that I feel so ready! So I think about app ideas.

Yesterday our One Fun Thing was to cook hotdogs over the fire. I'll tell you it was not that fun. It was rather stressful and full of bugs. But that's okay. My clean bathroom continued to bring me joy all day long.

Today our One Fun Thing was homemade cheese curds (Those are cheese strands hanging from the kids mouths above). I had a hankerin' for some fair food and decided to make it at home. For dinner we had cheese curds, sweet corn, fried green tomatoes and watermelon. It was all delicious.

I'd get on the Good Fruit App and report that the watermelon I bought at Aldi today was awesome and only $3.99.

project: one fun thing

Yesterday I began a new program called: One Fun Thing. Each day until baby comes we will do something out of the ordinary that will help all of us pass the time. Hattie woke me up early this morning (as always) and told me, "baby come out and put clothes on. baby is very chilly." She is quite concerned that the baby has no clothes on right now. She's ready to swaddle and snuggle. So am I!

Yesterday's fun thing was super fun. We took six scoopie tokens we got at our town's home and garden show and cashed them in for cups of delicious ice cream. It was so good. And so sugary. I am still doing whole 30, except for obvious moments like this...and that custard is so sweet! And delicious. We drove our ice cream to my favorite picnic table in town and had such a happy time. Followed by popcorn from the popcorn stand and all the kids putting their feet in the fountain. It was a perfect summer moment.

And here I am! This picture goes out to my Aunt Louie who said she needed a side profile shot. So thanks to Ivar for taking my picture. :) I had my very first contractions last night from 12-4, enough to wake me up, but not enough for me to get out of bed or anything. So things are moving in the right direction.

I woke up this morning and cleaned my upstairs bathroom for over an hour. This is hilarious/embarrassing, but I thought my bathtub was discolored from some product or something, but after some serious elbow grease while on all fours, I realized it was just that dirty. Ha! ...and Gross! I think I was trying to overdue it to see if I could get things moving along. But nothing happened other than I now have the cleanest bathroom ever.

Enjoy the weekend! I cannot imagine more perfect weather than these days we're enjoying right now!

the fence!

We're all still here! And baby is still cozy on the inside. But we got the fence in and we love it. We walked the perimeter of our property last night and it was such a beautiful night. I am so tight in the belly and I couldn't sleep last night until 2am. Things feel like they're beginning, though I still have not had a contraction...so who knows. This afternoon we are going out for ice cream cones. I insisted. :)

39 weeks, 3 days

Well here we go! My due date is this Sunday, August 11th. That said, Alden arrived 7 days after his due date, Hattie came 10 days after her due date, Elsie came promptly on her due date and Ivar made his appearance one day before his due date. My babies stay put for the long haul, it seems.

However, at my appointment a week and a half ago my doctor felt my belly and said, "oh my. that's the head. it is so low!" And then at my appointment a week later (this past Monday) she said, "it is so, so low." And it's true. I usually carry my babies so high right up to the end. But I actually look smaller with this pregnancy because I think everything is positioned so differently. And when I sit in a chair, it feels like I have a bowling ball snug on my lap. 

So we are right in the middle of the mind-game stage. The one that makes me think every little feeling or tightening or wave of nausea might be the start of the real deal. But then I remember it's not that likely, so then I hit a huge project to keep me occupied. But them I am exhausted and worry that now I'll go into labor tired and depleted...so then I sit and think that every physical feeling might be the start of labor... And on it goes. 

It's also that stage where the kids are extra clingy and have all sorts of emotions of their own as we all are waiting. Hattie helped me pack the kids' overnight bags for grandma and grandpa's and mimi and papa's. While packing she asked one thousand times, "we going today? no? when baby comes? oh. when will baby come? today? no? when will baby come?" 

And I suppose that's the exact script running through all of our heads this week.

But today we have the very last project on the list: the perimeter fence on our property is being installed! The guys dropped off their equipment last night! This is a project that demanded 27 other projects to get done before this day could arrive. You know those projects? Rory has spent the whole summer removing trees, stumps, wood piles, clearing brush, leveling land, taking down an old wooden fence, mowing down thistle, calling in friends for a chainsaw party to help make a way through thick woods... oh it has been so much work. But here we are! The guys come today and after today 3/4's of our property will have a permanent fence to keep our animals in and other animals out. It will help greatly with setting up temporary paddocks with our electric netting. It's like that game you used to play with your siblings with the grid of dots on the paper, and you each take turns drawing one line to complete a box. Having the perimeter done will help so much in the world of fencing. And really, much of successful farming is simply successful fencing. So we are thrilled.

I felt like things were starting up last night and Rory asked kindly, "oh please, let's just get the fence in first..." So real quick, we're going to get the fence in...  

drive thru window

On Saturday we went out to the little cabin Rory built originally as a home office and played drive thru. We had a good friend live in the cabin this summer for about 7 weeks. She goes to our church and lives with a woman from our congregation. But that woman had her daughter coming home for part of the summer and needed Lena's room back. So Lena moved in with us! The cabin has electricity, but no running water. She said it felt very Thoreau-esque.

Lena moved out last weekend, which left a cabin all set up with a bed, a desk, and basically it makes for the perfect playhouse now. Which delights the kids to no end. But, thanks to a screen that was popped out, we ended up playing drive thru with me making up silly orders and them gladly making my food and us handing money back and forth, all in our imaginations. It was so fun.

Elsie told me recently that she is going to take care of the baby all the time. She said, "just think, the littles will be in the rock box because they love it there. Ivar will play legos and you can just bake and clean and take a nap! Because I'll take care of the baby!"

And part of me believed her! Because I think she will genuinely be a huge help to me. She already is in so many ways, making bread in the bread machine all by herself, helping load and buckle when it's time to go somewhere, helping me get meals ready and on the table. I am so glad to have her help!

She somehow scraped her face really good on the picket fence in the kitchen garden. I still don't get how it happened, but it left a scratch right under her eye. While brushing her teeth and looking at herself in the mirror she told me, "I'm glad my scratch is still on my face. It shows that I am a tough cookie."

She is a sweet and delightful tough cookie.

Awesome and Wonderful

Rory will often take one of our girls out on a daddy-daughter date. Hattie got to go to Menards last week and brought home a box of Dots. But she was so thrilled at the special time she kept telling Rory in every aisle, "We dating, Daddy? We dating!" So this week Ivar called in a special mother-son date. He had the plan: Walmart to look at legos and dinner at A&W. When we got to A&W he was a bit panicked that a kids meal might not fill him up enough. He was really hungry, he told me. So I got the kids meal and he got the value meal which meant his float was twice the size of mine...and this positively delighted him. (The float was a whole 30 exception, and was totally worth it!)

We had the best time. We laughed so much. I kept making up fake monologues that cracked him up. When we arrived at Walmart I said, "Alden, you have to let Ivar help you unbuckle. Nope, I am not going to do it. Ivar is going to help you. Hattie and Alden, you cannot take off your shoes every time we are in the car. This is too much work for me to put them back on each time. Now find your buddy and hold hands. Alden. You have to hold Ivar's hand." And Ivar would laugh and laugh, "That's exactly how it is, mom! Exactly!"

We got home and he told everyone about every part. Even how "most people at A&W are really old." Which was accurate of last night. The 70+ crowd was represented well. But Ivar and I decided that the two of us will continue to bring that average age down, hopefully with a monthly visit.

When he went to bed he came over and hugged me and said what a great date we had. And it felt so good. Ivar is my oldest, and he puts up with a lot from his siblings as well as high expectations from me. He is a good kid who thrives on order and routine, and life can be stretching when you have little siblings who consistently disrupt order and routine. We work through those challenges a lot. So this night together, laughing and eating and enjoying each other was so, so Awesome and Wonderful. A&W.

Here's to many more root beer floats!

a hattie wake up call

Hattie wakes up at 6:20 each day like a set alarm. Only instead of beeping or playing music, she gently nuzzles her head to push open our door that is held closed by a pillow in front of it. She used to announce her arrival by saying, "Knocka Knocka!" But that has changed. Now I first I hear her in the hallway, playing with something or quietly talking. And then I see our door begin to slowly open, and the pillow pushed along the way. She is on all fours and her head comes slowly in to look around. She is so quiet and slow and sneaky at this point, getting her body in the door and then quietly moving the pillow back and closing the door to a crack.

I'm not sure why she is so quiet coming in, because moments later she pops up in my face like a coo coo clock and says full volume, "Mom! It thirty o'clock yet?!! It thirty o'clock?!!" And I tell her, "No. Hattie is not seven o'clock yet. You may not come in our bed yet. You can lay quietly on the floor until it is seven o'clock." And so she lays down with her head on the same pillow that holds our door closed and sings and talks and basically we know our day is now beginning. Rory usually gives up the fight first and when he gets out of bed, then Hattie crawls into his side. She looks at me intently, and it's hard not to be amused at the whole situation...her bright eyes, wide awake, ready for the day.

***

My other Hattie story lately is her response to our house when it gets too noisy. She will begin to yell as loud as she can, "INSIDE VOICES! MIA SAYS INSIDE VOICES!" Mia is her favorite friend and nursery worker at church and apparently this is where she learned this phrase. Though she doesn't seem to have learned how to apply it to her own volume yet...

But I still consider it a nice step in the right direction.

a little slice of time

I know I wrote about most of this already, but my sister and mom just returned from two weeks in Tanzania and my sister just replied to this email I sent to her last week. I re-read it and thought, "I have to save that somehow as a little slice of time..."

Hello Singing Ladies!

Oh I wonder where you are when you read this! Can you get emails on your phones? Or do you go to an internet cafe? I bet it is so different from 10 years ago...

I'm writing mostly to tell you I'm exhausted. Ha! Seriously, so tired. Rory cut the field yesterday and I got out all of the newborn stuff. I found the carseat and got out the outfits and baby toys. The kids played all day with the baby toys, and then at the end of the day I got rid of half of them. We had friends over for supper last night and fell into bed. And then today the interns came and I brought them to a farm in Faribault where we know the family, just to see another small-scale family farm in operation. The mom milked the goat for us and they have pigs and a donkey, ducks and chickens. They are very similar to us and it was a joy to see how their family operates their own farm. Then we came home and butchered 17 chickens in the back yard.

You would be proud...I cut heads off. I gutted the birds. I held them by the feet and dunked them in the water. I defeathered. It was seriously an experience, and in the end, not too bad. But I had to leave before the last bird was done and go to my Spinning lesson with Eleanor at Northfield Yarn. The lesson was 2 hours and I WAS TERRIBLE AT IT. Cannot emphasis that enough. I positively could not get it! It was hilarious. We had a great time together and the lesson was a joy, and a humbling. So crazy how something can looks so very simple and then be so super foreign.

I came home and found Tony and Alden picking blueberries, Lena and Elsie picking raspberries and I threw a pizza in the oven, cleaned my sty kitchen and we ate our pizza while watching Little House on the Prairie. Anyway, it was a good day and I'm heading to bed after this. But farm life is FULL right now and we still have many showing up this week to pick up their chickens, the rest of the kittens, friends for dinner and baling the field.

But! If everything goes well, Rory and I are taking off on Friday morning for an overnight babymoon. Lena is going to watch the kids here and I think we'll head to Lake City or someplace over there and nap for two days.

I hope you guys are well. Can't wait to hear all about it.

Love,

Becca

hurry up and rest!

Sunday morning I had a heart to heart with Elsie. I asked her if she would like to come to see the baby born when it is time at the hospital. I told her that it is a very special invitation and not many get to see a birth, but she would be the very first to know if it is a brother or a sister and that Dad and I would love to have her there if she wanted to be.

She was quiet for a moment and then asked, "will the baby be slimey?"

I replied honestly, "Yes."

And she replied quickly, "Then, no."

***

I was upstairs and flushed the toilet with the door open. Alden came running from the nursery, "I say goodbye! I say goodbye!" He got to the toilet just in time to wave and tell everything, "good bye!"

***

Tuesday we butchered 17 chickens in our backyard. This was a brand new life experience and I have many thoughts on the whole process. I actually really appreciated the whole thing. I thought it was probably right that I learn how to de-feather a chicken. I have ancestors who would likely be a bit puzzled that I made it to age 38 before knowing how the whole thing works. But maybe the best part for me was watching Hattie walk all around the yard, watching the entire process from start to finish and telling me, "oh. we eat them? okay." and with so little concern or upset. It was a wonder to me. This process is going to be completely normal to her.

***

This week we baled the field from start to finish again. This is our second successful round of cutting, raking and baling and it feels so good. We got over 100 small bales from our field and we are thrilled. The forecast had rain coming our way, so we worked with a mission today and feel so good having the baler and the bales all tucked in and cozy in the barn.

***

And now it is time to rest! We have 2 1/2 weeks until baby is due. I am hopeful the baby stays put the full 40 weeks, because we haven't rested yet! I keep thinking, "Hurry up and Rest!" So that's the goal. I got a few Wendell Berry books from the library tonight and plan on reading and sitting a lot in the next two weeks. On Monday I got the baby car seat out of the attic, along with the baby toys and baby outfits. We are ready in all the practical ways. But it sure would be nice to sit still for a minute before the next chapter begins.

Only time will tell...

tiffany's funeral

I think one of the greatest earthly gifts we are given as Christians is the hope we have in eternal life as we celebrate at another Jesus-follower's funeral. I can think of many funerals that served not just as a time to grieve a great loss, but also as a motivating encouragement, a time to remember my own calling, my own mortality, and the whole point of why we are running this short race.

Tiffany's funeral was exceptional. There were 1700 people there and the service lasted 2 full hours. Her parents both spoke, as well as her two sisters, her brother-in-laws, her children and her husband. And every single one of them deserved the microphone. They each added something powerful to the life story of Tiffany and though there were so many tears, there was way more hope in the resurrection. I left feeling filled up and grateful.

I know you would likely never watch a stranger's funeral, but if there ever was one to put on and play in the background, I think you'd be drawn in. Every person has something worth listening to. Her husband speaks at about minute 55, and the words he speaks to his kids are so powerful. And the pastor who closed the service was really powerful too. And the music is great. If you're interested at all, you can watch the service here.

And they showed this video in the service too. How incredible.
2018 Thrive Conference - Story Video: Tiffany from MDC.AG on Vimeo.

this is a hard teaching. who can accept it?

On Sunday night our family read part of John chapter 6. Jesus is telling his followers that he is the living bread that came down from heaven. "If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." He continues to tell of eating his body and drinking his blood, explaining communion for the first time. When he is done many of his disciples say, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?"

Jesus hears the grumbling and calls them out, "does this offend you?" And in that moment, many of his followers turned away. He turned to the twelve and asked if any of them wanted to leave too.

And Simon Peter answers, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

***

About the time that we were reading this passage, our friend Tiffany was taking her last earthly breath.

Her death feels like such a mighty blow. She is my age, mother of five, partner in everything with her husband and spent her last eight years planting a church, building community and leading many wandering hearts to the Lord.

But her life was not spared.

This is a hard, hard teaching. Who can accept it?

The reading from John 6 has been such a comfort to me these past few days. Because I appreciate Simon Peter's response so much. In the midst of confusion and not understanding, trying to make sense of something that utterly did not make any sense he says the most honest words, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

I've seen too much. I know too much. I've heard too much. I've experienced too much. I believe in Jesus with my whole heart and have seen his power transform hearts and lives. To whom shall I go? I know the one who is the way to eternal life.

My heart is so heavy and grieved. Those kids. Her husband. She wanted to be raising her kids today. She wanted to be cleaning up breakfast right now. I have been convicted many time this past week not to take a moment for granted. Tiffany herself used to say frequently from up front, "If you have breath in your lungs and a pulse on your wrist, you have been given a gift today." And then she'd go on to tell of The One who gave that good gift.

The other thought I continue to have is that Tiffany, herself, would at this moment testify that Jesus is more real to her right now than ever before. She would nod and say, "Amen" to those words, "Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

And now with full trust in God to be the comforter, we pray for Jeff, her husband, Bo, Finn, Sally, Noah and Jack. Ages 4-14. What a grievous loss. 

praises and prayers

Well hello again! I don't usually take a full month off of blogging, but what a month it has been! Farm Camp sort of took over our lives there for the month of June and it was worth every minute poured in. I can't wait to write at length about how that week went and how it has shaped our vision for the future. We are really excited about all that is to come based on all we experienced those five days.

Then we were off to Lake Geneva Christian Center for a few nights of family camp with the Groves family. It was a joy to be together and to play, rest and have all meals prepared each day. It was a well-timed, wonderful get away. And now we are one month out from the arrival of our fifth child. We have a work project list that is as long as ever, but I told Rory I really want these weeks to be shaped by the words Rest and Play. As always he has lots of work stuff happening, but I really want the priority to be to Rest and Play. So we've been adding family day trips and surprises into our calendar, as well as working hard to be sure not to fill up our calendar! Yesterday we read books out in the yard for a while and that felt perfect.

But we do have quite a few things coming up! This week we have the county fair, where Ivar will be showing his rabbit Hershey for his very first time as a 4H Cloverbud. It's all very exciting and there is a lot to learn about the ins and outs of 4H! Rory will be working in the malt stand, representing our family well. The rest of us are either too young, or too pregnant... On Friday, Elsie turns 7. She is thrilled by this fact, and I am trying to make sure I know her expectations and then either meet them, or let her know what she can expect. She's not hard to please though. Uncle Kyle is taking her out for dinner on Tuesday and had me ask her where she would want to go. She barely breathed before she screamed, "The Subway by Menards!!!" And danced and squealed how she loves Subway and can't wait for Tuesday to come.

Our family went to Lake City on Thursday after Alden woke up from his nap. All told, I think we were there from 2:30-6:30. But it felt like we were on an actual vacation. We got our ice cream cones, played at the park, walked out on the pier and drove to check out Frontinac State Park. It was a glorious day and ended with a bald eagle flying to the tree right above us to each his fish supper while we at our whopper juniors. 

When we were just loading up we got an email and a text that friends were gathering to pray for our friend Tiffany outside of her house. Tiffany beat breast cancer two years ago and just this week we found out her latest body scan showed that her body is riddled with cancer. She had just learned this news seven weeks ago, herself. We are the same age, she has five young kids and pastors with her husband at a church in town that Rory and I attended for three years. I used to teach women's Bible study with her for years and I love this lady to pieces. She is the real deal, fully alive and fully committed to the people of our town, ready to be sure that all know Jesus and the new life he has waiting for each one of them. 

So we drove our family from Lake City right to Jeff and Tiffany's house where we found hundreds of people standing in the street, singing and praying. For the next two hours we prayed for a miraculous healing of Tiffany's body. Her husband made clear that he wasn't asking for plan b prayers. He wanted bold prayers pounding at heaven for a full healing and miraculous recovery.

So I have been praying with belief and faith, reading through miracles in the Bible, where nothing made sense in the natural. I refuse to feel sorrow or grief. Those are not called for at this time. Right now I want to be sure I am standing on the side of healing power and hope in all things.

But with all of this comes so many emotions. And in an incredible twist, just as I was beginning to feel fear creep in, someone posted this sermon (below) that Tiffany preached on Mother's Day. Just two months ago. 

If you deal with fear or anxiety or unanswered questions or hopelessness or chronic pain or illness, I really encourage you to listen. It starts out light-hearted, but please listen to the very end. Clearly God inspired this sermon and where she concludes is remarkable and comforting. Even in the midst of this new story.

And please pray for Tiffany. For a full healing of her body, for a miraculous recovery and for God to be glorified. I know what I am asking, but I am not standing in a place of trepidation. I am standing in a place of belief and promises. And pray for wisdom for her husband Jeff as he navigates this road with five young children, ages 4-12. 

I am laying hold of a vision of Tiffany healed, and what that would mean to all around her. I can think of no louder mouth piece to proclaim the goodness of God. She would blast her testimony to the moon and back. She already has, though I am holding on to belief that her story is just getting started. 

So enjoy this sermon. It is worth your hour. 

it's all getting done!

These pictures are about a month old now, but they basically sum up what we have been doing in the for a month straight. Last night Rory told me that he thinks we are now ahead of where we were when the tornado came through. Our yard has been decluttered, the barn and stalls are getting back in shape and our garden is looking fantastic. We have had a few burn piles and just a few moments ago Rory took the big kids with a truck and trailer to the dump. For a girl who LOVES getting rid of stuff, a trip to the dump makes for one fantastic day. I was up early this morning, finding more things in the barn to throw into the trailer before they left.

I have been posting on instagram again. You know how I go in waves! I took an 18 month break from that form of social media, but I want to be able to post quick pictures from my phone, and that is the swiftest way to do the job. And I wanted to post pics there from Farm Camp (coming up in just another week!)

So click on over to instagram @thegrovestead for more updates. I have a feeling I will be quiet here on the blog for a while until Farm Camp is past. :) Until then, soak up this summer fast! It is flying by already!!!