a personal revival

I was with a group of friends on Friday night and was telling about the prayer counseling I did this past summer. I heard about this program offered at our former church, Cedar Valley and the way this friend talked about it left me slack jawed and wanting what she had. She was free, fully herself and confident in her identity in Christ. I filled out the online form from their website and then had a consultation with the woman who runs the program. What she said at that first meeting was so new to me.

She said, "I'm going to schedule you for four sessions. Maybe five. But no more. Because all of the topics you have brought up will have one root. We don't know what that is yet, but God does, and he wants it removed so that he can fill that space. It doesn't take long for God to show how all of our troubles come from the same cause. And if we are willing and able, he is swift to pull it up and fill that space with his presence."

So I went for four sessions. And they were good and I was grateful and some big stuff was dealt with. Sessions were just an hour and easily half the time was spent in prayer. It was remarkable.

Then in the fall, Rory and I started our marriage counseling at our own church and something came up that the counselors wanted to deal with directly, just with me. I was hesitant at first, but ended up going and meeting with two women at my church for a three hour session of prayer.

And we found the root.

They had me tell my whole story, whatever parts I wanted to share, parts I thought were of importance. Unto itself, the gift of listening ears, eager to hear my story told fully was quite amazing. But even more amazing were the parts I chose to share. Things I hadn't thought about in a long, long time. The things the Holy Spirit was bringing to the surface.

They listened and we prayed and then they began to explain soul ties. That through relationship and connection, we give parts of our selves to others all throughout our lives. But this isn't actually healthy, allowing others to judge and critique us. Christ Jesus is the only one who our soul should be tied to.

My root was my need for approval and affirmation from others. I was raised in an awesome church where I was beloved by the congregation. I got strokes and affirmation constantly. And so as I moved on in life, I was still looking for those hits of approval and recognition.

Suddenly every part of the life story I had just told started to share the same theme. The professor at the seminary who wrote the hurtful words on my paper, the professor in college who used my final project as the pawn for her own inner-colleague battle. Stories of betrayal and heartache and still feeling misunderstood. All of the stories shared the same theme: I was still wanting resolution and approval from all of these people.

So slowly we began to pray, one person at a time. They helped me get started and then I used the words. We prayed first for my biggest soul tie, that in the name of Jesus we were cutting this tie. That anything this person still needed from me would be forgiven, and that the parts I had given them (ability to judge me) would be taken back and plugged back into Jesus alone.

We prayed like this for hours. I cried. I felt relief. And freedom. And peace. I had so many soul ties out there! At one point I saw myself wearing a hula skirt, all of these soul ties, dangling around my waist. And as I prayed each one tied back into Christ Jesus, my actual source for approval and affirmation. He calls me his child, he loves me without condition, he knows my sin more fully than I do, and yet he loves me with a love I can hardly fathom.

And oh, I slept like a baby that night. As Elsie would say, I slept like "a baby sister daughter." Because that's what I am in the eyes of my God.

I was thinking about all of this transformation that happened in my 33rd year. And as I drove home this past Friday night, after sharing a bit of this story with these girl friends, I realized how much God has done in my heart in one years time. I was so taken aback by all of the ground I have gained this year, while not really recognizing it at the time. And then I remembered that it was almost a year ago that I spoke at women's Bible study about praying for a personal revival. I hadn't been feeling much connection in my own faith life for a while and spoke candidly about this and that I knew the answer was to ask. To seek. To knock. To pray for a revival in my own heart.

And now, a year later, my eyes are wide open in awe and wonder. So grateful for all I have seen and learned. I have absolutely experienced a personal revival. Because this year I also have been reading through The Story with my church and discussing each chapter with our weekly small group. And the revelation and renewed belief I have gained through this time of exegetical study has been nothing short of a wonder. I am seeing the new testament come to life through the lens of the old testament and each week I am left more and more amazed at the story we are all still a part of.

I sat down to write this all tonight because earlier this evening I went to a Seder Meal at my church. For two-and-a-half hours we walked through the entire feast as a Jewish family would celebrate it. And for each prayer or practice our pastor showed in scripture how Christ has come as our true Passover lamb. The meal was holy for me, a feast of food but I also had a heart of gratitude for all the ways I have seen Christ come alive for me. The meal was a celebration of remembering my own exodus from the bondage of seeking the approval of others. To God be the Glory.

A life of faith is an interesting road. I do my part: I pray, and I can wait, and I can seek. But there is so much that happens that is without my doing a thing. It's sort of like this baby I'm carrying right now. I'm eating and sleeping, but other than that, miraculous things are happening every day in my womb and I can take no credit. A life of faith in Jesus Christ feels like that for me. I open my Bible and read God's Words, I go to church and pray for a personal revival. But it is not I who controls what He has next to teach me... or show me... or to grow in me.

I'm just now looking back on the road I have been on over the last year and I am grateful. And will be on my knees praying for another year of gentle teaching.