the gender of our baby-to-be

When the ultrasound technician came and got us from the lobby she asked, “and do you want to know the gender of the baby today?” And I replied a very honest, “Well, I want to know the gender. But we’re not going to find out. We’re going to wait and be surprised.”

This had been the plan since the very beginning. Ivar was a most joyous surprise and there isn’t really any reason why we have to know this news 20 weeks ahead of time. I guess we’re just old fashioned.

However. Waiting to find out with Ivar was way easier. This pregnancy I have been curious from day one. While holding my head over the toilet day after day, I had become quite certain there must be a little girl in there. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy that brought a baby boy. But since then I have heard unending stories of mom’s who say they were positive they were having one gender and then had the other. Which means surely I’m having a boy.

And this has put be back at square one: turns out, I don’t have a clue if I’ve got a little girl in there, or a brother for Ivar.

But an amazing thing happened at the ultrasound. She squirted the warm jelly all over my tummy, and a baby showed up on the screen. And then she turned the camera to 3D (or is it 4D? It's the sepia looking picture with a very real flesh and bones baby on the screen) and I saw a tiny nose and lips, a whole face and a hand up on a forehead. I was looking at my baby.

I began to cry and couldn’t see the screen.

It was the exact same overwhelmingly joyous feeling I had when they lay Ivar on my chest and announced, “It’s a boy!” I swear to you no matter what I had just birthed, I loved deeper and more fully than I had known love before. They could have said, "It's a monkey!" and I would have felt the same joy.
Because that monkey was mine.

I saw that tiny face and the gender question became the silliest question in the world. I don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy…I just want that one. That one that is mine.

I cried after the appointment too. I think I was carrying more fear about the well being of this baby than I had realized. Plus, the whole experience made this pregnancy feel suddenly very real. I have been so distracted with this one. Life hasn’t stopped to process the change that is ahead. But as my heart gushed open when I saw that little face I think I started to comprehend that I have another child on the way who I will love just as fiercely as I love Ivar. That is a powerful thought unto itself.

Rory took me out for cream cheese puffs afterwards and I cried some more big tears in Leeann Chin as we talked about the reality of two kids, the excitement of siblings, and our growing family with all that is ahead. It all became very real today.