can I have a do-over?

I spoke at a women’s conference this weekend. I was so honored to be asked to be a workshop speaker by one of my favorite people in the world and immediately wrote out my notes feeling inspired and confident.

When I got to the conference, I heard the key note speaker and she spoke on a subject different than what I thought the conference was centered on. So I decided to adjust my session a bit. And then I realized that I had really geared my talk towards middle and high school girls (the conference started out just for them but then grew to accommodate all ages) and when I got into my breakout room, there were more post high school women than anyone else.

So I started talking and suddenly decided to change things up a bit to better reach my audience. This begins my train wreck. My organized thoughts suddenly became a mess in my head. My main points were scattered and I could see it in the eyes of the 50 or so faces looking back at me. I think pregnancy brain was also messing me up a bit. But I kept going. I tried to get it back together. But then Mean Voice started to talk louder. Mean Voice was seriously crowding my thinking saying not helpful things like, “tell me again why you thought it was a good idea to restructure this talk while giving it?” and “pretty sure you’re not saying anything insightful or new. You can tell everyone has heard all of this before.” And the more I battled Mean Voice, the more I sped through the stories I had to tell, the more I brushed over relevant points without giving each thought the depth I wanted to share. Mean Voice made me want to get out of there…fast.

In the end, my session concluded and the 50 women in there probably thought I was just a nervous communicator. But I knew better. I know that I had something to share and that I really botched it up.

It’s such a bad feeling. Rory was there watching Ivar and afterwards he took me out for a big chocolate chip cookie and we came home and pulled the curtains, watched a movie and I took a long nap. And when I woke up, I still felt crappy.

The crazy thing is that I know how human this is, and how normal it is just to blow it once in a while. So today I’m working on forgiving myself and finding the grace to do so. I’m trying to tell myself that this is just one experience and not to let this one throw me for future speaking opportunities.

But sheesh, I hate these life experiences! And I hate Mean Voice.

In the end, I suppose all that really happened through this experience is that my pride took a hit and I was humbled again realizing that I, too, have really off days that are painfully refining. Ugh.