processing

I feel like I have too many thoughts flying around in my head lately. I can't hardly think through one full circumstance without launching 12 other semi-related thoughts. I am really scattered and because of feeling scattered, I feel unproductive. My true nemesis.

Saturday I had an entire day to myself. Rory was at a CPR class, and it was just me with not a whole lot planned. But the day came and went and it was neither restful or productive. I filled it with lots of parts of projects but didn't complete anything and didn't feel like I had much to show for the day. Even if I had sat on the couch and napped and read all day I would count that as productive, as long as I felt rested. But I didn't feel restored from a day of rest either. (Plus, I babysat a 18 month old who completely took it out of me! She kicked my, and my clean apartment's hiney. We both looked very messy when she left and it was my first sobering, slightly less joyful look at the season ahead.)

So this morning I sat down and made a list of all that has been running through my head. I did a brain dump. I listed the serious concerns and lesser subtopics that keep popping up and wrote down next to each one why it is weighing on me.

The interesting thing, is that there were two on the list that required the back of the paper to fully flesh out why I've been so affected. I'll share one.

My aunt Jan just recently had the most horrible of surgeries I could ever imagine. She has cancer of the tongue, and hasn't been able to eat food since last July when she had the cancer removed. (Her husband has faithfully tube fed her six times a day for the past 12 months.) But the cancer came back and this time the doctors decided they needed to remove a lot more of her tongue, replacing it with skin from her wrist. The surgery was two weeks ago, and the recovery has not been smooth. She is now turning a corner and we praise God for his healing hand.

When I was writing this down on my list, I kept writing and realized that the very hardest part of this surgery and scary season my family is walking through, for me, has been watching the toll it has taken on my mom. As a daughter, it is really hard to see your own mom cry so hard. She is very close to Aunt Jan; they talk every single day. And now Aunt Jan can't talk. Mom has been to the hospital daily and calls to give me updates. Those first calls after the surgery, she sounded so beat up. So exhausted and shook.

I think, being so close to my own sister, this has been even more painful to watch and imagine. It's hard to know what to say...even to my mom. And it has left me with a heavy heart, waiting each day to hear the progress from the hospital.

***

I continued with my list, which grew quite long with every running thought in my head, and a strange peace began to settle in. As my list grew, my grace for myself grew too. I could finally see clearly that there is just a lot happening right now, and I think I have been trying too hard to keep on keeping on. I'm now thinking my time in this season might be best spent going item by item on my list and trying to do something that would sedate that thought for a while. And even as I am typing that I am realizing that my "doing something" should really be to take this list and to turn the whole thing into prayer. This heavy load has gotten me down, and I don't think I'm supposed to carry it anymore.