mama wisdom day 2: stephanie

Stephanie is my brother's wife, and is a lawyer and mama out in Seattle. She has three beautiful and amazing kids: Claire, Simon and Penny. Stephanie knows a lot. I email her with my preggers questions, and she ALWAYS replies right away, with thorough, helpful, supportive answers. I sincerely believe she should either start her own, or team up with a mom-advice website...she's got a lot of good things to say and to share.

Stephanie and Penny. This picture looks like I used a fancy photoshop blur effect, but really my camera had just been sledding, and then was foggy when I came inside. Sort of cool though...

How would you describe your mothering style?
Free range, vaguely strict about behavior compared to my friends (but I live in hippy dippy Seattle, so being relatively strict here is like being in a relatively warm snowstorm. Still chilly.). I worry much more about the certain harms of raising children in a bubble than the minute risks of tabloid tragedies. I think kids can do a lot more than people give them credit for. Coincidentally, we have a lot more fun this way.

What resources or who in your life was/is the most helpful in giving sound parenting advice?
Books, in the trenches parenting friends. We got into a new parent group early on, and it was wonderful. We still vacation with some of those people. I love them a lot.

Was there a specific part of mothering that challenged you and your confidence in being a mom?
Not really. I guess I think we're pretty good at this so far? Dealing with Claire Helen's school this year has been tough. Oh, and pregnancy, actually. It was really hard for me to believe I would be good at mothering since I'm so bad at pregnancy. Luckily the two are not actually related, and the babies never cared whether I had enjoyed housing them in my uterus or not.

What is your favorite part of being a mama?
I really love a lot of it! I love seeing the big ones in bed reading under the covers with their reading lights. That might be my number one favorite sight in the world, and I get to see it every night. I love watching them with their friends. I love answering their questions, especially about science and literature and politics. I love watching Penny tune in to the rituals and routines of our family. I love how close Simon and Claire Helen are, and wait eagerly for Penny to join the fray. I love backpacking as a family. Closer to your end I always enjoyed how fully formed they were almost from the moment they came out. Claire Helen has always been introspective and loyal; Simon has always been gregarious and adventurous, and Penny has always been a ball of sunshine. Even at 3 weeks old, there's a real there there.

Do you have a favorite story or quote from one of your kids?
Becca, I have three children and have been mothering for nearly six years. I think by now I know not to pick favorites.

If you were to go back, and start your season of mothering all over again, what would you tell yourself?
"Look, I have a time machine!" I dunno. "You are right, this is going to be awesome"?

Anything else you would tell a first time, soon-to-be mom?
Oh, man, I'm full of pithy one offs of little to no practical value. Have more than one if you can; the sibling thing is cooler than I even imagined and keeps getting better. Stop breastfeeding if it sucks(ha!). It's better and all but not worth the angst. Try really, really hard to teach your kid early on that they are not the center of the universe(especially vis a vis other children). They want to believe they are, and you sort of do too, but that never ends well.

Talk more to Rory about how you will parent. Pregnancy and birth are going to happen no matter what you do, but you would be surprised how minor seeming differences in parenting philosophy can result in hours of negotiation in application(which usually has to happen at 2 am). There are a lot of ways to do this right, and not very many ways to screw it up.

Be willing to change your mind. Different kids need different things. If you are putting off changing a habit because you think it will be hard, go ahead and do it. It's not going to get easier. Don't get into power struggles you aren't committed to winning, and just don't get into very many period if you can help it. You can't make another person eat, sleep, or poop. The earlier you can get yourself out of those the better.

Having a baby radically upends a lot of your routines, but most of the logistical challenges are short lived. You will sleep again someday. You are not the only influence on your kids, and by the time they are 7 their peers affect their behavior as much as you do. Be aware of their community.